


Sometimes

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Series: Dean doesn't speak [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x23 coda, Cas' room, Dean Can't Speak, Dean is depressed, M/M, coda 12x23, it hurts, season 12 episode 23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 22:31:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11723943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: Sometimes he wishes he wasn't here





	Sometimes

Sometimes he dreams of Cas, happy and carefree. With them. With  _him._ He's smiling and laughing. He wants to be here, he wants to stay. Then, morning hits him and he's forced with the hard truth.

 

Sometimes he pulls the covers over his head and doesn't get out of bed.

 

Sometimes he lays in bed for hours, silently crying or staring at his hands imagining Cas is next to him holding him. That Cas is right here with him and nowhere else. That he's peacefully with him and looking at him softly with his big blue eyes.

 

The cold hard truth always hits him.

 

But he does get up eventually and goes to the kitchen. He does make himself tea and puts extra honey in it. He softly smiles when he can taste the sweetness. He blows a bit before taking a few sips and tries to eat something small like a piece of toast. He feels a bit better knowing he can stomach toast now. He tries not to let his grief and pain pull him down till he's a hollow shell of a man he was. He knows Cas wouldn't want that. Cas would want him to continue to live his life, to make a difference in this world and be the best he can be. To help others and to move on. 

 

 **It's hard. Fuck, it's so hard.**  

 

**It's hard to move on.**

 

Sometimes Dean feels like he can never move on. There's a deep ache in his chest where it can never leave and can't be replaced. He feels like he will always feel this way and can't feel any other way. It's become something edged into his brain. Repeating over and over again.

 

_You can never move on. You can never move on._

 

He tries not to think too hard and let his thoughts drown him. Whenever he did that, he would lock himself up in his room and stay there for hours or even days. Those were his worst days, where he'd be completely numb to his surroundings and let his thoughts eat him away till he's nothing but a mess. He's had them a lot since Cas' death. It's nearing to Cas' three year anniversary since he has passed. He finds it cruel to even call it an anniversary since what the anniversary is for. His heart tightens of the thought of it being so long since he last talked, seen, and touched Cas. It's been three years and he still feels the worst he's ever been. It's still hard to leave the bunker and to hunt. It's been hard to eat and hard to speak. He thinks he's lost his voice now since the only time he's ever opened his mouth was to scream of the anguish he feels when the nightmares plague his head.

 

Tears start to form in his eyes and he has to shut them tight so they won't stream down his face.

 

_Not today. Not now._

 

He can do it at night, when it's quiet and everyone is asleep. When he can have time for himself, where his brother isn't around him. 

 

He can cry as much as he wants when he visits Cas on the three year mark though it's been days since he last visited him.

 

Sometimes it's hard visiting Cas.

 

Sometimes he can't make it out of the bunker without feeling like ripping out his heart and stomping on it so he won't have to feel like this.

 

Sometimes he feels like finding a crossroads demon to take away his pain or even his soul to try and numb this aching pain, but no one answers.

 

Once someone did, but Sam put a stop to it and almost cried when he realized what Dean was about to do. Dean didn't do it anymore after that. He couldn't do that to Sam.

 

He sighed into his tea realizing it's gotten cold. He threw the tea down the sink and washed his mug. He didn't realize he was alone till he saw Sam's note stating he's gone on a hunt and that he'll be back in a few days (just before Cas' three year mark). He knows his brother is grieving and also misses Cas. He knows his brother is still upset even after three years like him, but he doesn't feel like this. Sam can move on and go on hunts and speak. He can socialize and go out for as long as he wants and not get upset and anxious when he realizes how Cas should be here and should be with them. He knows his brother was crying last night when Dean was walking to the bathroom. He knows his brother is never truly okay and it pains he can't provide comfort. He is hurting as well, it hurts him too much still and he can't provide the comfort he can't give. He knows how hard Sam is taking it.

 

He sighed and walked to Cas' room. He opened the door and stepped in.

 

Sometimes it's hard to go inside Cas' room knowing Cas will never stay here again. He'll never be able to decorate however he wants and put whatever he wants. He feels like he's going to break every time he comes in the room. He looked around Cas' room and runs his hand across the cabinets and opens the closet.

 

His laugh comes out broken and painful because there are no clothes. There wasn't time for Cas to properly move in, it's so Cas it hurts to think about it. He shuts the closet door and decides to sit on the bed.

 

Sometimes he would sit and talk to Cas. Tell him everything that happened and sometimes he would say how much he misses him and how he wishes he was here. If he can't visit his grave, he'll go in his room.

 

Sometimes he would lay in Cas' bed and inhale the scent of his sheets and pillow. Cas' scent is long gone and Dean always feels an intense amount of pain knowing he can't smell Cas' scent anymore on the pillows. He runs his hand through the sheets as tears stream down his face.

 

Sometimes he would lay in bed all day and all night just staring at the ceiling. He wouldn't move, afraid he'll miss the presence of Cas. He would feel Cas' presence the strongest in here besides the truck. Even though Cas didn't stay long in the bunker, he can sense Cas in every corner and every inch of the room and bunker.

 

Sometimes it hurts to stay in the bunker knowing Cas was here, helped them researched, ate here, and even was trapped in here when he was under the dog spell. The whole bunker had Cas written all over it and it hurt to stay here.

 

But Dean couldn't go, couldn't leave. If he left, he wouldn't be able to find comfort in Cas' room or the flowers he has growing outside near Cas' grave. He wants Cas to be everywhere deep in his bones and veins. It aches for him to feel such pain, but he finds comfort knowing the longing ache remains deep in his heart.

 

Gives him some peace.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> These just keep coming to me, I keep getting ideas.  
> I have a tumblr if you wanna check it out it's  
> http://rebelwithheartofgold.tumblr.com


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